Entry 3

Introduction

I shall start this Entry with an apology, and then move on to a raft of excuses and reasons which will hopefully absolve me of any negative feedback.

My humblest and deepest apologies for not having posted for a little while. I am sure without the rejuvenating rain of my words the parched farmland of your life as cracked and dried. The succulent corn of your joy is no doubt sagging limply on its stalk…. But FEAR NOT! Like a rain dance your silent plea’s for The Gentleman’s candour has brought me back to soak you with a monsoon of eloquence.

With regards to the excuses, well… here we go. Believe it or not I have actually been working on a couple of items for the blog. Firstly I am wrist deep in a section about a board game I am creating. I realize this section won’t be for everyone, the proverbial marmite on the toast platter of my blog… but I believe for the people who ARE interested it will prove very entertaining. It’s also a great way for me to safely vent some of my overflowing geekery in a controlled manner…. We all know that when left unchecked the need to be geeky can rapidly get out of hand… even descending into… LARPing.

Excuse my French.

I am also working on a piece about the recent Beer Festival in Plymouth. I selflessly force myself to go there and quaff large quantities of alcohol, purely so I could write a review for this blog. Even more horrific was the mumbled and tuneless singing of Mr Geldof… but you will have to wait for this rant as well, a large section of what I plan to write about requires me to distil some information from a Dictaphone that was taken to the event… and as you can probably appreciate…the bits I need are obscured somewhat by the drunken, slurred tomfoolery.

My next and main excuse is that I have recently got a new job and had a lot of other things going on in my life. These have served to get in the way of me writing blog entries. Of course I could probably have written something instead of playing all those video games… but a life without an adequate amount of escapism is a life full of misery and drudgery.

Now I have got all that out the way… TO THE MEAT OF THE BLOG!

The Gentleman’s Handbook

As with every week I have a pearl of wisdom for all you aspiring gentlemen out there. Rule 3 follows and its words should be read and digested by any self-respecting male hoping to successfully woo a lady.

Rule 3: You should never ask a lady her age. With the growth of social media it’s easy enough to find this out without asking her directly, and let’s be honest, as long as her age is relatively close to yours it doesn’t really matter.

Motivation: If you ask a lady her age there are a number of possible outcomes, none of which are good.

1)      The Lady could lie to you. Whilst this is probably the best possible outcome there are a number of situations in which this is definitely not good. For example if the lady is much younger than she claims.

2)      The Lady could tell you the truth. This may seem like a good thing, but ladies are NEVER happy about their age and admitting to it is most likely to upset them. Remember, you should never make a lady sad.

3)      The Lady could refuse to tell you. This is much like number 2, but it may also result in the lady getting angry which is arguably even worse than if she was sad.

This all comes down to making sure the lady is happy, and remember! A happy lady is a horny lady!

Tales from the Life of a Gentleman

Last week I talked about my new abode and the unpleasant fellow who happened to live there with me and Wool Girl. Needless to say, my description of him was accurate, but not necessarily…friendly. As part of this section I ran a small vote on what should be used as his nickname.

As you can imagine thousands of votes were cast, and my Platoon of PA’s have spent the past week counting them and re-counting. At one point we constructed a giant vote counting robot, which inevitably went insane and could only be stopped by my patented FIST OF GENTLEMANLY FURY. After all this we finally got the result… and it was…..

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….

*Drum Roll*

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………………..

TWINX.

Ok so that build up was probably excessive but, there we go… I’ve done it now and the delete key is for quitters.

So Twinx has been named and continues to be unpleasant. Recently he hasn’t been actually saying anything specific, to the extent that I believe he may have continued to devolve to the point where he has actually lost the power of human communication. These days all he does is hide whilst I’m around, and come up and huff and puff like a storybook wolf when Wool Girl ventures to the kitchen by herself.

Another moment of frustration occurred a few days ago when we had to pass through his dark domain on the way to the Pub. The whole floor of the building was filled with music from “Da Streetz” (My apologies if this is not the correct term… I must admit my knowledge of the sort of vernacular used to describe… terrible… music is somewhat limited). This music, associated with over-populated and under-funded sections of society seemed slightly alien amongst the middle class setting of the house in which I live… but still it was there and it was loud. Whilst this was unpleasant it wasn’t this that drew the most offence from me and Wool Girl. The focus of our ire was that it was coming from the living room (which is communal) and Twinx had felt it appropriate to place a tie on the door handle. Now as I’m sure, in addition to being the third most formal kind of neckwear, ties also serve to convey a very specific meaning when attached to door handles…. They mean that the room is currently occupied by one or more people engaged in some kind of erotic activity.

This series of events caused me frustration for a number of reasons:

1)      The Grotto (edit: sorry Ghetto) music was terrible… just… awful.

2)      That is a communal living area and should not be commandeered by someone like that. The only exception to that being if there was a specific event occurring which we had been made aware of and had agreed to…. this was no such event.

3)       Twinx is, to be blunt, incredibly unattractive. The sexual activity denoted by the door-tie couldn’t be indicating lovemaking with a nice, consenting woman…which means he is either

a.       Lying via the medium of neckware

b.      Having sex with someone who accepts cash. Whilst I am not adverse to prostitutes in the global sense… if he was really that hard done by he has a perfectly serviceable bedroom he could take the street walker into.

c.       Having sex with himself. Again he has a perfectly serviceable bedroom for that… and any mess made as a result of self-pleasuring is not something I want on any part of a communal living space….. urgh.

As I’m sure you can imagine this whole situation was very unpleasant… and I was wondering what you, my faithful readers, suggest I should do about this blaggard…Should I confront him directly about it? contact the landlord? Ignore him like the ignoble scum he is? or something else…

Answers on a postcard!

Farewell, for now…

That brings us to the end of today’s entry. Like I said I am working on a number of things to upload to this blog so expect the next few entries to be larger or at least more frequent, and remember…

Only a ginger can call another ginger ginger.  

Good Day to you, The Gentleman.