Geek powers......ACTIVATE! 2

Good day.

Me and my chums have been playing an online RPG together by the name of Guild Wars 2. As the name might suggest in this game people form Guilds in order to play together and strengthen each other. Our Guild is called Octobeards Revenge after our band in another game, Rock Band. Currently we are in the process of making a website to attract new members and as the resident scribe I have decided to pen a little lore to go on it. So without further delay here we have.... The Tale Of Captain Octobeard...

Nothing is known for sure about the origins of the Captain. Some say he was a Norn, as big and forbidding as a mountain. Others claim he was a Charr whose ferocity was unmatched by any beast. Still others suggest he was an asura with a sharp mind and a strong grasp of false perspective. Whatever the case all agree that he was the greatest Pirate Captain to ever live.

The Captain and his crew specialized in acquiring loot of the rare and forbidden kind and it was one such piece of booty that became his namesake... The Octobeard. He stole this bionic attachment from the vaults of the Asuran College of Dynamics and had it surgically attached to his chin. There it laid dormant, disguised as a beard, until he willed it into life and its eight tentacles unfurled. Each tentacle had a different tool, weapon or kind of magic built into it and with their power the Captain became all but unstoppable.

His other great treasure was his ship, built from sacred Sylvari trees and armoured with steel plates pillage from a thousand defeated Charr warships. Its figurhead was a solid gold statue of the Norn god Raven that Octobeard had torn from its shrine and in the bowels of the ship hummed an engine that enabled it to fly... another acquisition from the Captains visit to the Asura.

For decades Captain Octobeard and his ship ruled the skies, taking any plunder he desired. That was until the dragon awoke.

Arrogant from years of unending victories the Captain saw this creature as a trespasser in his sky. Armed with an array of fiendish artillery Octobeard intercepted Zaitans flight path and engaged him in a pitched battle. Explosions filled the air but despite everything the dragon emerged victorious and shattered the Captains prized ship into pieces.

Ever since that day Captain Octobeard has been missing and we, the survivors of his crew, have been searching for him and plotting our revenge on the Dragon.
We cannot do this alone and so we are now recuiting new crew members. Do you have what it takes? Do you like plunder, wenches and all the rum you can stomach?

Join our crew and all this and more will be yours.

Kagami 'The Vain' Reikon, Lore Wench.

Entry 4

Introduction

Good afternoon all. Once again I am afraid I must start my blog with an apology. It has been far too long since my last entry and for that I am truly, deeply sorry. I do have reasons and excuses however… you will find I always have an excuse… a Gentleman should always have a few stored just in case.

The first of the two is none other than life itself. I have recently started a new job and whilst I hate to admit it, this has taken up a lot of my time and even more of my energy. I know, I know… I should have my priorities straight and get on with the blog regardless of such silliness but you see I need the internet to update the blog at all. Because of this you will see that by getting a good job and earning money so I can afford the internet I am actually acting in the best interests of the blog and you, my loyal readers.

The second reason is slightly more elaborate. I actually stated writing this post on a Wednesday some weeks when I finally managed to steal a little time to do so. It was progressing smoothly and literary genius ran from my touch like gold from the hands of Midas. Unfortunately my time ran dry before I had finished and as I always do I saved the work in progress on my bronze Gentleman’s USB receptacle. My intention was to store it within my Gentleman’s vault, a huge elaborate affair guarded by a network of sensors and lasers as well as an Indiana Jones style puzzle and a trained attack walrus called Keith. Despite my best efforts disaster struck between my computer and the vault door. Godzilla, the giant dinosaur/lizard/creature of Japanese fame smashed through the roof of my home and gobbled up my USB receptacle before I could react. I prepared myself to leap into the belly of the beast and retrieve it but before I could do so a thousand tiny Godzilla clones appeared and ate the large Godzilla in a matter of minutes like a shoal of piranha. As if this wasn’t enough, the laws of quantum mechanics decided to get involved and all of the small lizard clones popped out of existence and were replaced with tree which produces pink, slightly erotic looking bananas.

All of these, completely truthful, events conspired to prevent me from getting this entry to you but they will not succeed… without further ado I give you…. ENTRY 4!

The Gentleman’s Handbook

I shall continue my one man quest to impart the ways of the Gentleman onto the new generation. This week we have a very important rule and one that you should definitely pay attention too.

Rule 4: If a lady asks you how old you think she is, or how old she looks, tread VERY carefully. Generally it’s best to avoid a realistic guess unless you know for certain what her age is… and even then she still may not thank you for reminding her of the reality. Really you have two possible options when faced with this crisis,

1) Guess younger than you think. This is the safest option and probably your best bet. Make sure not to go too far under though as you will run the risk of sounding like you’re trying too hard or purposefully just being nice to try and win the Lady’s affection, rather than actually thinking she is that age.

2) Guess way, way, way over what you think. And when I say over I mean something in the region of 6000 years old. This is a much riskier tactic but if you pull it off you can get a few extra points for being amusing. Women love a funny man after all.

Motivation: Again your main motivation here is keeping the Lady happy. It is also something that has a direct effect on the Ladies self-esteem. You should always remember that the more comfortable a lady is with how she looks naked the more likely she is to let you see.

Choose your own Adventure: Gentleman Style

Do you remember those books you used to have when you were younger…. Or maybe still read…. Where you got to choose the path of the main character. You know the ones I mean “If you want to follow the Knight into the Cave turn to page 23, If you want to do an interpretive dance turn to page 204”… that kind of thing.

Weren’t they awesome?

The correct answer of course is yes. In light of this revelation I have decided to do my own take on this idea. Every entry(ish) I will post a part of a fictional story with “The Gentleman” as the main character and at the end of each story fragment you, the readers will post comments telling me what the Gentleman should do next. A slight twist will be that I will also present the statistics of “The Gentleman” at the beginning of each fragment, much like the character sheet used in pen and paper roleplaying or video games with a roleplaying bent. If you find this part of the idea confusing don’t worry! Just completely ignore it and put what you want to happen in the comments and I will sort it out. So, here’s the character sheet of “The Gentleman” at the beginning of our story… with annotations to try and make it understandable to those who aren’t of the geeky persuasion.

Name: The Gentleman

Appearance
Age: Unknown
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 11 Stone
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Brown hair styled neatly with pomade, a large and elaborate moustache.

Vital Stats
Vigor: 50/100 (This is the overall health of the “The Gentleman”, it is reduced by fighting and other damaging actions and when it reaches 0 he will pass out or even die. It can be recovered by sleeping but may require medical attention if it goes too low. )

Vim: 50/100 (This is the energy of “The Gentleman”, it is used to perform attacks, defend himself and other special actions. When it reaches 0 he will become tired, lethargic and unable to perform anything other than the most basic of tasks. It can be recovered by resting.)

Combat Stats
(Using different weapons gives you a variety of attack and defence actions, all of which cost Vim. Currently “The Gentleman” has no weapons so he is unarmed and so won’t be that effective in a fight)

Current Weapon: None (Unarmed)

Attack Action, Fist of Gentlemanly Fury
You let your opponent know that the fury of a Gentleman is not something to be underestimated… even if he is empty handed

Vim Cost: 5 (Each use of this skill costs 5 Vim. If you use it too much “The Gentleman’s” Vim will reach 0 and he’ll be exhausted)

Chance of Success: 50% (Each attack and defence has a certain chance to work… I will roll a dice to determine success of failure)

Damage: 10 Vigour (On a success an attack will reduce the opponents Vital Statistics. In this case a successful hit you will reduce your opponents Vim by 10)

Defense Action, Would you like to Dance?
Hours at formal functions has honed the Gentleman’s dancing skills to the point where he can dance out of the way of blows as easily as dance his way into a Ladies heart.

Vim Cost: 5
Chance of Success: 50%
Damage Reduction: 5 Vigour (On a success a defence action will reduce the damage done by an enemies attack)

Special Actions
(Throughout our adventure the Gentleman will gain a number of abilities that aren’t for use in combat…they will be here)

Special Action, The Smoulder
You glance at a Lady and win her over with the pure animal magnetism in your stare.
Vim Cost: 10

Effect: If you use this on a Lady (or Gay Man) they will think much more favourably of you. The exact result changes depending on the situation and the Lady in question.

Gear
(Here I will just list the items the Gentleman is currently carrying… at the moment this is… nothing)
Nothing.

So there was the nerdy bit, here’s the creative bit.

To begin with The Gentleman felt nothing.

Swirling darkness and silence consumed his whole being and took over his every sense. His mind raced “How did I get here” and “Where is here?” These questions and more danced in his thoughts with their dance partners “Am I dead?” and “who am I?”
Slowly sensations crept back. The first was nausea and its tendrils spread all over his body. This was quickly followed by the warmth and chill of a hot flush and The Gentleman couldn’t tell if this was better or worse that the nausea that preceded it. Once both had settled over him his first sense of the world around him surfaced and in true British fashion it was a light drizzle. The icy rain was oddly refreshing as it covered his skin and helped to rouse him from his stupor. The moisture was accompanied by a chilling wind that tousled The Gentleman’s moustache and brought goosebumps out from head to foot. He couldn’t help but be reassured by these familiar sensations. After a few moments of this the realization that he must be naked dawned on The Gentleman and in a sudden rush of embarrassment he tried to open his eyes and sit up. He failed, at the slightest attempt of movement the nausea reared its head and forced him to remain still. Helpless panic threatened to overwhelm him as he realized he couldn’t move his body at all let alone open his eyelids. Anxiousness filled him and threatened to overwhelm the Gentleman. What if he was stuck like this? Why couldn’t he move? Maybe he really was dead?
The panic was quelled almost instantly and calm rushed through him as The Gentleman felt a soft pair of lips kiss him softly on the cheek and whisper into his ear “Come now, you don’t have time to be resting my love… you best get up and sort this mess out!”
With a start he sat bolt upright and opened his eyes. The Gentleman found himself in a grassy clearing flanked on one side by a brightly covered shanty town and on the other by a section on woodland. He rapidly realized that he was not alone and his dulled senses tuned in to and then became almost overwhelmed by a cacophony of sounds. By the shanty town were a group of a dozen or so eclectically dressed people. They wore hand knitted and patchwork clothes and their hair was unkempt and wild. At their head stood a tall proud woman whose mane of frizzy red hair framed her furious yet pretty face beautifully. Both she and her followers held makeshift weapons from baseball bats and pool cues to half bricks and dirty pitted blades.
Opposite these people were a group who seemed to be the very opposite of them. Roughly equal in number they wore finely pressed bulk issue suits and functional sunglasses that served to help make them all look the same. Their hair was uniformly short and they had standard issue pistols and truncheons. At the head of this crowd of uniformity was a person in a long high collared coat and black wide brimmed homburg hat.
The two opposing crowds seemed to be having a heated disagreement over the ownership of not only The Gentleman but the items scattered haphazardly around him. He continued to take in the scene and looked at the items in question. Laying on the floor all around the Gentleman’s naked form were an array of strange items. There were the following items

A fabulous Top Hat,
A lovely white velvet glove,
An elaborately engraved cane,
A polished and ornate gold pocket watch.
A glittering monocle,
A well used snuff box and
A fabulous burgundy cravat.

Bewildered by his current situation the Gentleman felt unsure what to do…
What should he do…
WHAT SHOULD HE DO!

So there, that’s the end of the first part of my choose your adventure. Below here is the comments section so put what you think the Gentleman should do and the choice with the most votes will decide the actions of our hero. I do reserve the right to pick an option which has less votes but is more interesting.

I look forward to your responses,

The Gentleman over and out.

Geek powers.... ACTIVATE! 1

When Im not at work, playing gigs or feeding my video game addiction I occasionally indulge myself in an even more 'geeky' pastime... Dungeons and Dragons.

If your unsure what D&D is then think of it like this: when you read a book it consists of a world and story created by the author. Inside this story they are invariably a number of characters who are the focus of the action. In D&D its like a book but each character is controlled by a different person, whilst one person plays the role of author or dungeon master and controls the world and the events occurring on it. the players tell the dungeon master what their character will do, and often roll a dice to determine if they succeed.

When I play D&D its with a group of my long term friends and the story we are currently playing casts us as a ragtag group of pirate/adventurers whose current focus is meeting some mysterious people called 'The Sealords'. The individual motivations to do so varies from character to character but the overarching goal is to use The Sealords to somehow prevent an ancient evil trapped in another dimension from escaping and destroying reality.

All of this is fine and dandy but, my character specifically, met with a slight problem last session.... by problem i mean Polar Bear and by slight I mean huge and deadly. due to this I have created a new character to join our group and take the place of my old one. I have written a little backstory for him and I thought it might be fun to post it here so here we go... The story of Gorgaron, Eater of Worlds.




We were just beasts, once.

That was until we ventured too far North.

The Northlands are a difficult place to live. Hunting is difficult and prey is scare. I was the Alpha male of the Pack and it was my role to keep the others fed and safe. Despite the challenge I was strong and wise and managed to keep us going. Unfortunately, in order to find our next meal we had to keep progressing further and further from the usual hotly contested hunting grounds of the lowlands and further towards the chaotic mountanous realm to the North.

Eventually our travels brought us to a clearing with a large stone statue at its centre. The statue depicted a bestial and forgotten god and both I and the pack felt drawn to it. Before I knew what I was doing I was bowing my muzzle to it and it spoke to us in the language of the beasts. "You are tired, you are hungry...fear not! I can grant you the strength to have more food than you can eat... All you must do is pledge yourself to me and all the worlds riches shall be yours."

As beasts we were stupid and naive... we did not even know the concept of lying or deceit. As one we howled our agreement and that was when the change came upon us. Pain wracked our bodies as bones broke and popped into new shapes. Muscles changed and swelled, filled with divine might and dark promises. Our howls became brutish shouts of pain and after a few hours of writhing pain I awoke to find my body was that of a humanoid beastman. All around me my pack were the same. We still had the fur, teeth and claws from our birth but now we were blessed with horns, legs, arms and thumbs that enabled us to make use of tools... and weapons!

The Forgotten God spoke to us in our minds, it named us the "Worldeaters" and we followed it's commands without a care. In a ferocious wave of claws and teeth we descended on village after village, killing humans and taking their food and treasures for our own. For years this continued... with our new forms and the weapons and armour we aquired hunting humans became far easier than when we had to work together as a pack to bring down a single elk.

Over time I soured to the killing... The concept of morality was sluggish in its entrance to my mind but once there it took hold and began to change me. Why were these human children any different to our cubs? Just because we could take more food than we could eat did that mean we should not leave some for others? These thoughts and other concerns began to fill my mind. It seemed that I was alone amongst my kin with regard to such worries. The rest of my pack were filled with bestial greed and rage and once all the humans were dead they turned on one another. The infighting was brutal. I tried to subdue them, both with words and blades I tried, but to no avail. The Worldeaters soon turned on one another and I could not help but be drawn into the conflict.

The fighting raged for days. Alliances formed and crumbled and trinkets changed bloody hands more times than could be counted. Throughout all this I stood in the centre of our camp howling for peace...but nobody listened. Instead, they attacked me. My own pack attacked me, their leader. It was with this act that they chose their fate. I will not go quietly into deaths embrace and I would not watch my once noble pack destroy itself in such a manner. My blades found them all. My prowess subdued each easily until as the sun rose on the fourth day I was surrounded by piles of my dead Worldeater brethren.

It shames me to admit it but I fled then. I could not comprehend what I had done and so I ran as far and fast as I could.

My cowardice brought me to a huge ruined human city. It was a place of war, as various factions vied over the magical meteorite at it's core. It wasn't long before I was coerced into helping a human warlock in his own pursuit of the meteor. Whilst I had mixed feelings about his motives he gave me piles of food and shiny discs for helping him. I had little use for the discs, but the food was good and most importantly his quest enabled me to encounter strong warriors. I did not yet know my purpose but I knew I needed to be strong and fighting others with power is the best way to increase your own. I clashed with foes of all races and professions... most noteably a human who smelt of blood and moved quicker than I would have thought possible as well as a short man made of stone and explosions. I learnt later that these were a Vampire and Dwarf... but all I knew then was their prowess helped mine to grow exponentially.

As always seems to happen this situation ended in carnage. Many factions arrived at the meteor at once and chaos reigned supreme. Through it all I could hear the voice of The Forgotten God in my mind laughing and relishing in the death.

It was at that point my purpose was born and I felt the warriors I was battling at the time could read it in my eyes. The Vampire, Dwarf and I were fighting in a stalemate at the centre of the battle around the meteor as it dawned on me. My foes stopped their assault for a moment as they witnessed my revelation. Without looking back I sheathed my weapons and set off at a run for the Northlands. They did not stop me and if I had been able to explain I feel they would have appreciated what I was going to do.

I would continue to get stronger, I would do whatever it would take.... and then I would track the Forgotten God whose promises ruined my life, my pack and kill him with my own hands.

The Worldeaters would be avenged and I, Gorgaron Worldeater, would kill a god to do it.

Lunchtime Illiteracy 2

Good day!

Lets try this new blog format and see how we get on shall we?

People who have read my blog previously will be aware of the infamous Twinx. For the uninitiated he he is a loathsome devilish creature who lives on the ground floor of the house share I live in. What I don't believe I've mentioned is that this house is actually four floors and in addition to me, Wool Girl and Twinx it is home to 3.5 other residents. I will endeavour to get to each in time but the person we will focus on today is from the second floor and she shall be know as RedEye. This is largely due to the fact she is perpetually drunk, stoned, hungover or some combination of those three. Normally she is easy to manage as her semi intoxicated state means she keeps herself to herself. This pattern broke at the weekend however.... RedEye threw a party.

Now, I am not adverse to parties.... I have infact been known to 'bust a move' and/or 'get jiggy' myself on occasion.... but one that lasts for almost 24 hours and is of a decibel level that it keeps the whole house awake is something I frown upon. In addition, the party was noteworthy as RedEye managed to get at least 11 people into her single room. When I imagine the logistics of this I cannot help but picture the party goers as a selection of tetris blocks in some sort of colourful retro game/orgy scenario.

The thought is troubling.

Furthermore, the caliber of guests seemed less than desirable. As with all the best observations I am basing this conclusion on one very brief encounter during day two of the shindig.

I wandered down to the little Gentlemans room and found it occupied. Whilst my need to 'drain the snake' was fairly urgent I felt I could wait a few moments at least. After sorting a few things in the kitchen I ventured back to check on the progress of Mr Toilet and thankfully the fellow in there came out just as I was returning. I instantly formed an opinion on this man and all his friends based on three things...

1) He was wearing sunglasses inside.

2) He was wearing sunglasses on the landing outside the bathroom which currently has no light and is dark even with regular glasses on.

3) It looked like he was finding walking hard, let alone muttering up a 'hello'

So too conclude RedEyes had a party that was too loud for too long and it involved too many knuckle draggers in a small space.

They didn't actually disturb my slumber because I essentially become a corpse every night... but they kept Wool Girl and the other housemates up all night. The question dear readers is this.... what do you do in that situation?

Answers on a post card.

The Gentleman, over and out.

lunchtime Illiteracy 1

Good day loyal readers. It has come to my attention that i have once again been neglecting you. Like a husband who ignores his wifes ample bosom to go to the public house and play darts i have been a terrible man. But no more!

Your metaphorical fun bags shall not remain unsqueezed!

You see the entries I have been writing have been getting more and more complex which is good because they are more interesting... But bad because they take longer to write.
The solution is clear. Lunchtime Illiteracy!
I will write mini entries when i have spare time during my lunch hour at work. I will limit these mini entries to a length that I can write and post in a single go.

Sound good? I thought so....